My Urges My Self Destruction

Sometimes I feel nothing, I don’t mean I feel empty or hollow.. I mean at times I feel nothing at all, I am physically, emotionally, and mentally numb. It is what I imagine it would feel like to be locked in a sensory deprivation tank. These are the moments when I am the weakest, when I am the most dangerous to myself. These are the moments that will eventually lead to my self destruction. These are the times when I cut the deepest, these are the times where cutting has gotten out of control and before I realize it I am a mangled bleeding mess. These are the moments where in the past cutting has become mutilation. I have not cut now for nearly a year, but that urge is ever present… Not hiding in the back of my mind like a good little urge. No, this is a bratty urge that stands at the front my thoughts and screams at the top of it’s shrill little lungs. The urge that makes me think of a spoiled 2 year old child on sugar and caffeine binge throwing a temper tantrum in Walmart. Throwing itself on the floor kicking and screaming, wailing at times in a pitch so high only a dog can hear it. I know if I could just get one good night’s sleep it would stop, at least for a couple days… Am I sleeping? Of course not, because sleep is a cruel mistress that teases me.. I know she exists; she is simply hiding from me. She allows me to embrace her just long enough for the dreams to take hold, to plant the seed of nightmares until the terror takes root. I know once I reach a certain level of exhaustion I will sleep through these nightmares, I only hope I can hold off on cutting until that happens.


History Repeated

Once I came, upon the grave.
Of a battered, beaten slave.
A nameless stone, at the head.
Rest in peace, all that it read.
A salty tear, ran down my cheek.
Because our future, looks so bleak.
It will happen again, just like the past.
The next time maybe, worse than last.
History always, runs its course.
Winding up, back at its source.


Santa, The Easter Bunny, and The Tooth Fairy

What the fuck is wrong with the parents of the world? Was I only kid in the whole damn history of modern civilization to think that the existence of the three fictional characters in the title of this writing was fucking terrifying?

Santa Clause

364 days a year you parents are telling your children not to talk to strangers.. But on that one day you take them to the mall and plop their asses down on the lap of some old man in disguise and force them to talk to him.
Then when they are done being accosted by the mall Santa they are given a candy cane.. WTF happened to don’t take candy from strangers?
You tell your kids that this man is magical and travels around the entire world in a single night in a flying sleigh powered by reindeer farts.
You tell them that he is always watching them.. like some kind of magical peeping fucking tom.. And he knows if they have been naughty or nice.
You tell them this man knows where they live, and has lists of all the children in the entire fucking world.
Then you tell them that he sneaks in to their home at night and leaves gifts and candy for them

The Easter Bunny

For Easter you are leading children to believe that there is an over sized, mutated, deranged rabbit that thinks it is a fucking chicken running around leaving eggs and shitting candy for them to find.
How can you not find the thought of that at least a little bit disturbing?
Again you tell them that this mythical creature breaks in to their home at night and defecates chocolate for them to shove in their greedy little pie holes…

The Tooth Fairy

This is by far the most fucked up, terrifying, insane character of the three of them.. That is why I saved this sick ass mother fucker for last.

Every time your child loses a tooth you tell them to place it under their pillow and in the morning the tooth will be gone and money will be there instead…
How does this happen??? Ohhhh well you see there is this tweaked out fucking freak with a tooth fetish running around the world in a goddamn pink tutu with a wand stealing kids teeth.
Was I really the only kid that wondered what the fucking holy hell this crackhead was doing with all these tiny ass little rotten baby teeth?
Was I the only kid who pictured some toothless strung out addict in a fucking ballerina costume wearing baby teeth as jewelry?
And yet again you lead them to believe that this crazy ass psycho breaks in to their home at night while the kid is sleeping.. And sneaks in to their room standing over their bed and they don’t even wake up.
Every time I lost a tooth as a kid I barricaded my fucking bedroom door shut and didn’t sleep at all.. What if this twisted asshole brought a few buddies along? What if one was even more twisted and had a fucking eyeball fetish and decided to just take one of those while I was asleep?


Wow parents are some sadistic people… Stop scaring the shit out of your kids’ people. Think about it, do you really have any happy memories of any of these three things? No you don’t.. Do you know why?

Because they are fucking horrifying creatures