I have thought long and hard about this over the last couple months. I am unloveable and the reason for this is simple. In order to be truly loved by anyone, you must first love yourself. I am capable of love. I have loved other people in the romantic sense. I still do love those amazing, beautiful, at times infuriating ladies. I have been in love three times in my life. I love all three of them still, because I believe that if love is real, then it is forever. The issue I have is I am unable to love myself. I know my faults, I know my flaws, I know every mistake I’ve ever made. I know the horrible things I’ve done, I live with myself day after day. But I cannot love myself. I have tried, oh how I’ve tried. So instead I take that love I cannot give myself, the forgivness I am not allowed and invest it into others. I give myself completely to them. In return I get heartache, I get to be reminded of how I am unworthy of the love of another. This is why I am alone. It’s not because I look like Sloth from “Goonies”, but because I feel ugly. In my own eyes I see the ugly inside manifested on my appearance. No amount of compliments, no amount of attention will change this. It is a cycle for me, it is my life. Someone falls in love with me quickly.. Only to fall out of love even more quickly. If they are capable of falling out of love, well then the love was not real to begin with.
So I live content in my self imposed solitary confinement. Me and my dark thoughts, me and my self destruction.